What to hear: historically real men prefer The Marilyns with curls and curves

91b4f4eeb2cae29426b3e52922cb00a0I am 225% an unashamed, unabashed, ridiculously overboard Miranda Lambert fan. She’s from Texas. She’s around 5’3″. She’s blonde. She loves to drink. Clearly we are meant to be BFFs. She just needs to meet me.

You won’t be surprised to know I have been to her Pink Pistol store in Lindale, own multiple Junk Gypsy shirts with her lyrics and of course every single album she’s released. I know every word, have a Miranda Lambert station on Pandora and have seen her live three times, including once at Billy Bob’s, which was phenomenal. Of the songs that have fortunately made it on the radio, Gunpowder and Lead, Heart Like Mine, Only Prettier and Mama’s Broken Heart are my favorites. However, there are so many of her older songs that didn’t make it on air that I play in heavy rotation: Guilty in Here from 2007’s Crazy Ex-Girlfriend and I Wanna Die from 2005’s Kerosene being the top two; and from her last album, 2011’s Four the Record (her most successful to date), Fine Tune (dirty, dirty song y’all!), Same Old You and Easy Living.

150+ words and I’ve not even touched the two Pistol Annies albums yet. It’s a sickness, I know.

Her newest album, Platinum, came out about a month ago and if it was an actual CD, I would have already worn it out. The first track released was Automatic, which country radio has successfully beat into the ground repeatedly. Although it’s a cute song and very timely, in my opinion it’s not the best song on Platinum. It was, however, a guaranteed hit, which was good publicity for the upcoming album. I am in marketing; I get it.

Miranda is that artist, that girl, who just gets it. Boys suck. Girl power. You don’t have to be a prim and proper twig to be fabulous. That whole lot. We’ll forget the fact she’s married to, you know, freaking Blake Shelton. She just does a splendid job at turning the voices in my head into fantastic song lyrics. If I continued to profess my love for all five albums, this post would be 5,000 words and I would end up as subject matter for an upcoming episode of Criminal Minds. Ain’t nobody got time for that. So I will spare you and just share my faves from Platinum.

Track 1: Girls. This is reminiscent of a 50s du-wop song, much like Only Prettier. Which I love. One line sums up why I love this song, especially these days, the best:

“If you think you’re the only one she’ll want in this world
Then you don’t know nothin’ ’bout girls”

Trade 2: Platinum. Obviously the title track, only Ran can manage to wax poetic about the benefits of being blonde. And a bad ass. I almost had to cut and paste the entire song.

“My disposition permeates
The room when I walk in the place
I’m sorry!
By calculation I’m way too much
Pretentiously I bitch a bunch
But you bought it!
I can’t exceed my reputation
A small town girl with compensation
Exploitin’ all my possibilities
Well don’t you know I’ll blaze a trail
But hell
You can come with me

What doesn’t kill you
Only makes you blonder
My heels and my hotels
They just got taller
Somethin’ bout platinum irrefutably
Looks as good on records
As it does on me

Historically real men prefer
The Marilyns with curls and curves
And I’ve got it!
Genetically or chemically
As long as it contains some bleach
I want it!

You don’t need to be a fighter
Honey, just go one shade lighter
You’ll acquire everything you want
When your roots grow out
And things go South
Hey, go back to the salon!”

Track 3: Little Red Wagon. At first listen I was like oh this is cute, then probably skipped over it the next couple of times. But then I really listened to it. Love.

And I’ve got long, blonde hair

And I do all the shit you wanna do
And my dog does tricks
And I ain’t about drama, y’all
And I love my apron
But I ain’t your mama!

Track 4: Drinkin’ and Smokin’ (feat. Little Big Town). No lyrics in particular here, it’s just a lovely 70s-inspired song featuring LBT, whom I believe reigns supreme at summer anthems. Day Drinking or Pontoon, anyone?

Track 12: Somethin’ Bad (duet with Carrie Underwood). I have to include this because the very first time I heard it my first thought was, huh, well that sums up 2011-2013. Hashtag PBR.

Stand on the bar, stomp your feet, start clapping
Got a real good feeling something bad about to happen
Drinks keep coming, throw my head back laughing
Wake up in the morning’ don’t know what happened
Whoa… Something bad

Track 13: Holding On to You. The requisite love ballad. So lovely.

I’ve seen the south of France
I’ve seen the sunset dance
Over Sunset Avenue
I’ve seen the Rolling Stones
Got real high on Rock n Roll
Seen a lot of dreams come true
But ain’t no moment like when I’m holding onto you

Track 16: Another Sunday in the South. A very sweet song in which she samples multiple old country songs. Sadly, none of which the majority of her listeners will recognize.

Side note, this post does not serve as a means for debate over today’s country music. I have my opinions about that as I know many people do. That topic I’m saving for another date.




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