In other blogs: “Dear single dudes: it’s time to man up”

637e70a13f7930e481d4d03afa92710bI have thought this over for four days now and there is no way around the fact writing about this is going to appear as anything less than extraordinarily passive aggressive. So let me just get this out of the way…

Yes. Several things detailed in Matt Walsh’s original article reminded me of my experiences in dating. By several things, I mean pretty much the entire thing. Did I think of specific individuals when I read it? Oh my gosh, of course. But am I choosing to write about this to get my thoughts and feelings across to anyone in particular? No. I do solemnly swear I am not. I don’t even know if anyone I have dated is reading this and really don’t care either way. I am doing this because this article has a plethora of valid points that are a major source of frustration for my single girlfriends, reasons why some of them choose not to date at all. I don’t believe writing about this will change anything; I’m not that naïve.

I do think there are still actual men out there who are capable of “getting serious” and exhibiting the finer qualities for which we seek. I don’t think they’re ALL pieces of shit (despite what I say after vodka #3). Having said that, I wholeheartedly agree with Walsh and believe there is a major epidemic of guys with lazy dating skills. And once you reach a certain age and stage of life, lazy dating is rather unattractive, counterproductive and overall, an extreme waste of time and effort.

I’ll admit I’ve read Walsh’s post at least four times. These are, in my opinion, the highlights.

“…confusion is the name of the game these days. Everyone is confused. Being single means being confused. Everyone is so confused that they don’t even know what words to use when describing their relationships.”

What little grey hair I have, I attribute to this. And what’s worse is you can actually see it right now because I desperately need my hair done. Anyhow, my best girlfriends and I talk about this often: there is a window of time when you are younger, approximately in and just out of college, when dating is significantly less confusing and difficult. No one has baggage then. There are no kids, no ex-spouses. Or even wondering why someone is in his/her late 30s and never been married. And everyone is much less set in their ways. Don’t lie, you have ways once you hit 30.

“It went from courting, to dating, to hanging out. Sometimes even hanging out reeks of too much commitment, in which case ‘talking’ can be used. And if talking sounds too serious, maybe we’ll start hearing ‘vicinitizing.’ That’s a word I just made up, and it means that you and your female friend are often in the same vicinity, but it doesn’t get all intense by insinuating that you’re actually in that general location together on purpose.”

Heaven forbid after several months of dating I dare try to check us in on Facebook. People might actually think we are “together”. And nobody wants that.

Oh wait, that’s right…I do. I want that. Anyone who genuinely likes someone and is putting forth effort to be with and get to know him/her doesn’t mind if his/her friends and family know about this. Newsflash, feeling like a dirty little secret is rather disheartening.

“Here’s some brutal honesty for you: if you ‘aren’t ready for something serious,’ then you need to go get yourself ready and leave these ladies alone until you do.”

A-freaking-men. I have never understood the point of dating just to date. I am assuming there are plenty of people who can list the benefits of doing so for me, but this is my soap box right now. If you’re looking for just sex, which contrary to popular belief I find perfectly acceptable, that can be done without false premises and promises. Screwing someone over mentally and emotionally in the process doesn’t have to be a necessity.

And alas, my favorite:

“If you’re hanging out with a woman and you feel like you might be into her, tell her. Call her on the phone. Take her out on a date. Say the words: “I’d like to take you out.” No ambiguity. Plan the date yourself. Women want you to be decisive. Lose the whole “so waddaya wanna do tonight?” schtick. Take charge. Pick her up at 7. Pay for the meal. Have a conversation with her. Go mini golfing or something. Go somewhere. Open the door for her. Put your phone away. Open up to her. Share your ideas, your dreams, your fears. Get to know her. Pursue her. Pursue her. Invest yourself in the process, as scary and unsure as it may seem. Take a risk, gentlemen. Go out on a limb for once. Be purposeful. Be desirable. Be a man.”

Truer words — all of them — have never been written on the internet. I seriously yelled OMG! THANK YOU! in my office when I first read that paragraph.

I do have to say, though, the romantic in me really wants to believe it won’t be so difficult and confusing when it is truly meant to be.

Time will tell. Especially since I’m currently on a mancation. Don’t judge.




7 thoughts on “In other blogs: “Dear single dudes: it’s time to man up”

  1. D'Ann Faught says:

    The original blog actually pissed me off. While I don’t disagree that men have become lazy, I sadly think a lot of women (self included at times) have done a lot to contribute to this. Was at happy hour yesterday with a few girlfriends and one of them mentioned that she went on a third date with a guy and he finally kissed her. Another friend expressed her shock that he waited so long!!

    So many girls now are giving up physical closeness WAY too soon these days and in my opinion that’s a big part of why guys are lazy. They don’t have to work for anything anymore. Why would a young guy tie himself up with a relationship when there is plenty of free sex out there for the taking?! Do I think some guys want more than that? Sure, but there’s always that awesome girl who is just a friend (who probably also wants something more) that’s there for him when he needs a true friend and meaningful conversation.

    Even those of us who actually want a relationship are too afraid to demand it. We let guys get away with being lazy and make excuses for them…

    • Nikki says:

      First of all, I love your picture! 🙂

      Second of all, thank you for posting this perspective. I never thought about it that way and absolutely agree with you that girls giving up physical closeness way too soon is a VERY large contributor to this. I think a lot of girls, gosh knows I’ve been there, are afraid if we make them wait too long for certain things we’ll lose them. Which is ridiculous on multiple, very obvious levels. The part that sucks is when we recognize this pattern of behavior and take steps to fix it, we’re almost punished for it. For example, I was told — on a date — a couple of weeks ago I have too many rules. I have never been told that and of course had to overanalyze it. In the end I realized my “rules” aren’t necessarily as prohibitive as they were made out to be. Or at least they shouldn’t be to someone whose intentions are true!!!

  2. D'Ann Faught says:

    Then mission accomplished – you weeded out a guy you would have wasted time on anyhow. It’s crazy to say because I was/am the biggest cynic when it comes to guys, but there ARE some good ones out there. I consider myself REALLY lucky for finding someone who encourages my individuality but still insists on taking care of me when he knows I really need it. Admittedly, we started out completely wrong too though…took him FOREVER to consider me his “GIRLFRIEND” and maybe I shouldn’t have let that be okay, but I did. I enjoyed spending time with him and knew he was worth waiting a little longer because society was telling him it was okay to be that way. I only stuck around because his words just took a bit of time to catch up to his actions. He treated me like a girlfriend should be treated…all of the time, just didn’t verbalize his feelings for awhile 😉

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